Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Modest Proposal for Saving Endangered Species Poached for Aphrodisiacs


Today from a boating accident off the Philippines coast we learn that the Chinese are poaching a protected species of anteater, the pangolin, According to the Los Angeles Times, the scales of the animal are consumed in southern China as treatment for asthma and cancer and to induce lactation in new mothers. The Times does not suggest that the pangolin is being used as an aphrodisiac, but the headline suggested a topic for meditation on my early morning run on the beach at Morro Bay.

How can we save the last of the tigers, bears, rhinos, and other beasts being killed for supposed aphrodisiac properties in parts of their carcasses?                                                                                                                     

SOLUTION: We get together the major makers of pills designed to avoid erectile disfunction--Pfizer the maker of Viagra, Cialis (Lilly's product, which Google says is about to outsell Viagra), Bayer's Levitra, and others, and ask THEM TO DESIGN NEW SHAPES FOR THEIR PILLS--those to be sold abroad.

The Little Blue Pill is famous, even if you have never seen one, but nothing says it has to be distributed in its present shape. Same with Cialis and Levitra and the others.

Let the makers produce the present amount of one-dose of their product in the form of miniature tiger penises or perhaps miniature tigers. Let them produce the drug in the shape of bear testicles or the shape of whole bears. Let them produce the drug in the shape of miniature rhinos, if people won't recognize rhino horns.

Let Pfizer, Bayer, Lilly, and the other companies produce a million or so doses in the shapes of these animals and distribute them free in the areas of China, Japan, South Korea, India, Malaysia, Yemen--wherever aphrodisiacs are bought in quantity.

Advertise like crazy, to make sure that ads go viral: 1% of the cost of the poached dose, 100 times the effectiveness.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Wait a few weeks. Distribute a second million doses.

Wait a few more weeks. Then start charging. It's a win-win situation.

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